Solitude

Well it's be a whole two days since Jason left town for Valdez Island. Oh, how I envy him! He packed up his guitar, his painting supplies, a giant cooler of gourmet fixin's and a few bottles of wine to spend a week with the dog in a cabin of a family friend. I like to think of Valdez as "our island" since that is where we finally decided to give "US" a go. That was August long weekend of last year.



So I am left in this house alone, no one to cuddle with or talk to. Sigh. I used to feel weird being in this house by myself, I felt like a bit of an intruder - the villian! That is because this was Jason and Ang's house. Since Ang died, things in this house have changed drastically, few things of hers remain and all of the colors and textures are different. But I can still feel her presence even though I never knew her. Weird, I know. But today it feels like the world has shifted a bit. Although I still feel her here, I'm not struggling to find my own place. My picture fits on the mantle, my photo albums fit on the bookshelf, my quilting table fits in the den. Bella doesn't bark at me when I come home from work, instead I find her on the couch with her tail thumping hello. And of course there is Jason, always waiting with a Solly's cinnamon bun when I've had a bad day, leaving funny messages to me on the computer screensaver or dancing like a robot when he's talking on the phone.



Sometimes I wonder how things would be different if I had known Ang. Sometimes I feel like I know so much about her that I did know her. I'm happy where I am right now, truly. I love the little life Jason and I are carving out together - slowly but surely. No pressure, no timelines. Life never turns out the way you plan it, that much I know from experience. Jason obviously feels the same. Letting go of the reins and letting the cards fall where they may is the way we both approach things these days.



I always get all reflective like this when Jason leaves town. That and I'm injured, so I can't really push things to the back of my brain the way I can when I've got a million things to do, races to train for, etc. I guess it's not so bad to check in once in a while.



I got a raise yesterday, along with a glowing performance appraisal and an assurance that I am being looked at for promotion to senior status over the next year. That made me very happy, of course, but it also makes me reevaluate what I want in the next few years. So many things to consider.



There are too many songs in my MP3 list that have lyrics that directly coincide with my life. Does anyone else ever do that? Listen and think,



"That's exactly how I feel! Man, that Sheryl Crow just seems to GET me!"



ha.